My No Meat Week
June 20, 2011
Do you like people who make pointless life altering decisions and write and or talk about them all the time? You know, the “I Got Rid Of My TV” guy, the “I Only Eat What I Kill” guy (aka Mark Zuckerberg), the “I Quit My Job And Became a Farmer” guy, the “I Rode My Bike Across America” guy, or the “I Went And Lived In The Woods In A Shack Near Some Stupid Pond And Wrote About It And Now Everybody Has To Read My Diary In English Class And Pretend It’s Beautiful And Thought Provoking While Trying Not To Kill Themselves” guy.
Nobody likes them. It’s OK to stop pretending–even about Thoreau. Walden is super boring, there is no “getting it”, and if you if you still think it’s good or like to talk about it, you’re lying to yourself. Also, people probably don’t really like talking to you very much.
To those of you who disagree with me, have participated in or have admired anyone who has participated in any of the aforementioned stunts, I and my good friend Christian Bale have this to say to you (turn up your speakers, please, and my apologies in advance to those of you without flash player who will not see or hear anything below):
Moving on to the subject of this post, Sunday a week ago, I was bored and decided to see what it would be like not to eat meat for a week.
Just to make sure we’re all on the same page, there was absolutely no point to this exercise. I made no important discoveries, and I didn’t really feel any different than I normally do aside from the predictable and uncomfortable consequences of choosing beans as one’s primary source of protein.
I’m pretty sure I could have done this for a day or a year and come to all the same conclusions. If I’d done it for a year though, I’d have a whole blog to bore you with and a whole following of people who feel better about themselves for being interested in this sort of thing. Instead, I’m fast tracking this, leaving you with a short blog post, and with any luck, a laugh or two.
Here’s what I learned about being a vegetarian:
1. If you regularly eat beans in great quantities, you’ll probably be capable of flying under your own power.
2. Trying to simulate meat-like things without meat is stupid. Stop it. Just be a vegetarian if that kind of thing floats your boat.
3. If it were left up to the fast food industry, vegetarians would starve or die from malnutrition. Of course, if it were left up to the fast food industry, everyone would die from malnutrition, so I don’t think I really learned anything new on this point.
4. Mexican, Asian, and Italian food are a vegetarian’s best friend.
5. EVERYTHING tastes good when you hose it down in one or several of the following: guacamole, sour cream, cheese, marinara, alfredo, hot sauce, butter, soy sauce, and most other condiments.
6. Because of my what I said in the previous point, being a full time vegetarian would most likely have no tangible health benefits for me. (My favorite vegetarian meal of the week was a burrito from Moe’s Southwestern Grill that substituted tofu for meat. It was delicious and I was really proud of myself until I looked it up on their website and realized that my “customizations” had thrown it well above the 1,000 calorie mark.)
7. Basically, dairy products of all types made my no meat week possible. No animals were harmed in this production, but DOZENS of cows were milked.
8. I have NO idea how vegans do it, and I’m not really sure I want to find out. Maybe i’ll follow up with a blog post titled “my vegan day”, but I might have to limit it to “my vegan lunch”. That sounds it would be less interesting than this whole last week’s adventure if that’s even possible.
9. Portobello mushrooms are really good.
10. I really missed bacon.
So that’s it. I’m back to eating meat.
Vegetarians, enjoy your vegetarian things. I’ll partake from time to time.
Vegans, good luck with that.
What did we all learn here today? Nothing.
Well, almost nothing. Here’s a chart to help you with some of your meat eating decisions in the future. Don’t say I never taught you anything:
