Everybody Calm Down About The Jeopardy Robot

This week every news outlet along with millions of individuals on Facebook, Twitter, and all other forms of media have been covering the incredible man vs. machine drama on Jeopardy. Everyone seems genuinely shocked and amazed that a warehouse sized computer with instantaneous access to every fact and figure from the history of the entire world and programmed specifically to deal with the sometimes odd syntax of Jeopardy questions is beating Ken and that other dude.

“Can you believe this? A MACHINE is winning Jeopardy?”

“Wow. I thought I’d never see the day where a computer was smarter than people.”

“OMG!!!! This computer is DESTROYING at Jeopardy. What’s happening?”

Everybody calm down.

Don’t accuse me of being too ignorant to understand the significance of Watson. I get it. It’s an incredibly powerful computer, and it’s doing things that computers haven’t been good at in the past. The advances they have made in creating a machine capable of beating people at Jeopardy will impact computers in ways that we can’t fully comprehend today, blah, blah, blah.

You know what computer can already answer almost all of my questions instantly? Google. I hope they buy Watson so instead of just typing what I want in a very straightforward way, I can waste my time making very tricky, roundabout inquiries. I can picture it now:

Me: “Ok, Google, the American institution famous for its “golden arches” is open until what time tonight?”

Google: “What is 11pm?”

Me: “Wow, Google, you did it again. Thanks!”

If you’re missing my point, here it is. Watson is, unsurprisingly, really good at one thing: playing Jeopardy.

Here are a few other non-human things that are way better at one thing than people but somehow haven’t caused everyone to freak out: pencil sharpeners, coffee makers, watches, socket wrenches, walkie talkies, microwaves, cars, pulleys, can openers, megaphones, tape recorders, and grilled cheese sandwich machines.

Yes, I said grilled cheese sandwich machines. Those things are WAAAAAAY better than people at making grilled cheese sandwiches. I can get out the bread, get out the cheese, put the cheese between the bread, and I can press it between my hands for hours and come up with nothing except a room temperature mess of bread and cheese. Take those same ingredients and pop them in a grilled cheese sandwich machine, and 3 minutes later, you have perfectly toasted bread and melted cheese. Why aren’t you freaking out yet?! The machines are taking over, and they’re starting with our sandwiches!

Because the grilled cheese sandwich machine is weak in a few other areas. That’s why. It really comes up short compared the human race in the area of EVERYTHING ELSE EVER.

Also, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure some humans got together, conceived of, and created the grilled cheese sandwich machine because they decided we’re too good to waste our time making grilled cheese sandwiches the old fashioned way.

Watson is a similar case. It’s really good at the following:
1. Winning at Jeopardy
2. Being the size of a small house
3. Costing tens of millions of dollars and sucking down tons of electricity

To Ken, the other dude that won at Jeopardy, that pompous, card-reading jerk Trebek, and the rest of the human race, relax and go back about your business. Nothing to see here. A couple of nerds at IBM (human ones) made Watson, after all.

Also, here are some key areas where all humans presumably would wipe the floor with Watson: breathing, walking, having a conversation, watching sports, reading a magazine, playing literally any other game, telling jokes, eating, sleeping, going to work, listening to music, fitting comfortably in the passenger seat, meeting people, having a good time, and, of course, making grilled cheese sandwiches (with or without the machine).

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