The Worst Things Of All Time: Panera Bread
January 30, 2011
Abandon hope, ye who enter here.
If I died and went to hell, I’m pretty sure it would be something like being stuck in a booth in an everlasting weekday afternoon at a suburban Panera Bread. I’d just have to sit there and look at the other customers, watch them agonize over what two items to get for their “pick two”, and listen to their awful conversations.
Let’s be honest. Panera Bread has very few redeeming qualities. In fact, I’m trying to think of one and coming up completely blank.
Fair warning, I’m going to have quite a bit to say about middle aged women in this post. Middle aged women, this isn’t because I don’t like you in general. I just really can’t stand you when you love, talk about how much you love, or are physically in a Panera Bread with other middle aged women. When you combine middle aged women and Panera Bread you create one of the single most obnoxious things in the history of life.
I would definitely be the only man in my Panera hell. The rest of the crowd would be comprised 100% of middle aged women in packs of 3 or more who would be in a state of pure bliss.
If you’re reading this, and you have ever been to Panera, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m so upset just thinking about it, I’m just going to get this over with by listing some of the main reasons Panera Bread is one of the worst things in life:
The Customers
I’m not going to spend much more time on this one. The place is full of obnoxious middle aged women plowing through weird panini sandwiches, bread bowls full of soup, and baked goods like it’s their last meal. All the while, they’re having the worst conversations imaginable. There’s no getting away from it. Here are just a few excerpts of what you’re forced to deal with at any given time:
“Can you believe how they all ganged up on Whoopi on this morning? Those girls can be soooo mean! She was right. Mel Gibson is NOT a racist. Wouldn’t she know?”
“Well, I’m glad I got the pick two. There’s no way I could eat a whole sandwich.”
“I shouldn’t, but they have THE BEST oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I’m getting one. I deserve it. Besides, I only had HALF a sandwich.”
The remaining customers are either really annoying people taking advantage of the free WiFi and talking loudly into their bluetooth headsets (also one of the worst things of all time), various clubs & committees having “meetings” (mostly middle aged women), and poor first timers who have no idea what a big mistake they just made.
The Food
1. It’s all pretend healthy. Not saying I am a fan of healthy food, but let’s not be fools.
2. They put onions on EVERYTHING.
3. It’s called Panera Bread, and the bread isn’t even good.
The Employees
A typical Panera Bread is staffed by one absent minded adult manager and half a dozen or so teens that I wouldn’t trust to take out my trash let alone make my lunch. What a joke.
When I started writing this, I felt like I had lots more to say, but it’s pretty simple: Panera Bread is one of The Worst Things Of All Time.
I’m pretty sure terrorists didn’t even exist until some dude accidentally stumbled in to a Panera Bread while visiting some family in America. It changes you.
