The Worst Christmas Songs In The History Of Life

Well, it’s almost Christmas. All in all, it’s a great time of year with all the ingredients of a great time. You’ve got family, friends, lots of food, excessive drinking, and an hour or two here and there where you pretend to do actual work.

Also, Christmas is the only time of the year with its own soundtrack. Most of the time, that isn’t such a bad thing, but when people start to try to cash in or make their mark by putting a new twist on an old classic, the results can be tragic.

Let’s talk a bit about the music that tries its hardest to ruin the Christmas spirit. In no particular order, these are, without a doubt, The Worst Christmas Songs In The History Of Life:

Wonderful Christmastime
- The song is made up of approximately 5 notes played on a terrible synthesizer over and over again beneath some of the stupidest lyrics anyone has ever heard. It has no redeeming qualities, but it gets tons of radio play because it was written by a Beatle. I love Paul McCartney, but this is just a disgrace.

Jingle Bell Rock/Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree/Any Other Christmas Song Trying to “Rock”
- Christmas doesn’t rock. Come to think of it, nothing actually rocks. Stop it.

Santa Baby/I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
- I dare anyone to find me a song with more annoying vocals than either one of these.

The Little Drummer Boy
- If I could only pick one song, this would probably be it. Just try and picture this scene. You’ve got this poor woman who has just gone through labor in a barn. Some shepherds show up to pay their respects. Then these weird astrology guys come out of nowhere with a bunch of gifts. There are animals making sounds and doing all the other great things animals do all over the place, everybody’s tired, the baby is crying, and out of nowhere this kid shows up and starts going to town on a snare drum. This sounds like a nightmare. How/why did anyone come up with this song, and why does everyone ever insist on covering it?
Note: Bing Crosby and David Bowie get a pass here. They realized it was awful and rewrote it.

Mariah Carey
- Sorry ladies. Just like you all have decided “Brown Eyed Girl” and “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” are somehow about you and your friends, every last one of you thinks Mariah Carey put together the best Christmas album of all time. You love to turn it up and sing her songs at each other. You love none of them more than you love “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, and for some mysterious reason, you all feel cute when you sing it. Mariah is awful and so is every Christmas song she sings.
2011 Update: As if things weren’t already bad enough, Mariah released a new version of this song for 2011 that incorporates Justin Bieber along with one of the creepiest music videos/Macy’s commercials that has ever been produced.

The Wassail Song
- Carolers LOVE this song. The satisfaction on their faces as they look at each other and belt out this nonsense makes me want to punch a baby panda right in the face.

The Twelve Days of Christmas
-Not a lot to say about this one. It is the Christmas version of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” or “The Song That Doesn’t End”.

New for 2011: Mannheim Steamroller
- How did this even happen, and how did I forget to talk about this last year? I realize this isn’t a Christmas Song, but Mannheim Steamroller has ruined so many classics that it’s impossible to call out just one. “Deck The Halls” may be the worst thing they’ve ever done to us, but it’s bigger than that. For those who don’t know or haven’t listened carefully, Mannheim Steamroller is basically a full orchestra that you can barely hear lead by a Casio keyboard/synthesizer straight out of the 80s and electronic drums turned WAY up. For some reason, everyone loves them, so it’s almost impossible to make it through the holidays without hearing one of their obnoxious songs. Somebody needs to stand up and recognize them for the talentless hacks they are, so I’ll be first.

There you have it. Those are the worst. Bottom line: eat, drink, be merry, and avoid these songs and the people who love them as much as possible.

One last thing. There’s plenty of good Christmas music. It’s ok to admit that you enjoy it. If you say you hate all of it, you’re either lying or a terrorist.

Merry Christmas.

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